March 6, 1991

Amber would have been 18 years old today. It is hard to believe that it has been 18 years since she transformed me into a mother; making me realize that my own needs, wants and desires will forever come second to those of my children.

Amber was an interesting kid. Near the end of her life there were discussions about the possibility of her being bi-polar. This makes so much sense with the memories I have of her. There were two distinct sides to her, one that was so hard on herself and on those around her. And another side that was so much fun to be around. Although I have memories, bits and pieces of the challenges she faced, most of my memories are of how wonderful she could be. The other night I was remembering when she was about 6, and we were at a McDonald’s with a huge play place. Kara wanted to go down the blue slide, so Amber stepped back and examined the route she needed to take and led Kara up to the blue side. She was often such a great big sister to Kara and Tim, cheering them up when they were upset, taking care of them when I was busy. She also loved to be active. I remember when she would swim all day long, once the water was cold enough that her lips started turning blue but she still refused to get out. She also loved rock climbing; she was a natural at that. She had no fear and was always ready to face a challenge.

It is so difficult to imagine what she would have been like at 18. I suppose in my mind she will forever remain the 13 year old she was when her life ended.

As I remember Amber one of the most vivid memories is one that wasn’t even reality. It was the night after she died. I couldn’t really sleep so I was on the couch in the family room, lying on the couch trying to sleep or at least distract myself from reality. I think I fell asleep, and I dreamt that Amber walked into the family room. She had her big purple hoodie on and was eating a fun dip (not a candy she ate often). She said “What’s up?” in a friendly but with her I’m tough attitude. Ever since that night, whenever I see a fun dip I think of Amber, and it wasn’t even a candy I would have ever associated with her before that dream/vision. I have had a couple of other dreams of her returning to visit me but none as vivid as that one.

The truth is I don’t claim to know what happens when we die. But I really like to think that she is somewhere hanging out with my mom laughing at us for taking life so seriously.

Another truth is that as much as I miss her and wish things could have been different, I have hope that she has found some peace and contentment. And if she has, I would never wish her away from that peace.

I’ll love you forever Amber.